This fall I had an existential crisis. Or at least that is what I called it. There was perfect storm of sorts…. I was still grieving the loss of my father, I was sick, the holidays were approaching and I watched the absolutely wrong Tiktok.

The loss of my father hit me hard. A lot came with that. His sister, my Aunt Nancy, died six weeks later and just like that I became the oldest one in my family left. The Oldest Finch. No grandparents, no aunts, uncles, siblings or cousins older than me. Everyone older than me was gone. I was it.

Fall was especially beautiful, and with that I felt the loss of my father even more. My dad LOVED Fall. There was football. Thanksgiving. It was his favorite holiday, and each falling leaf reminded me that he was gone. 

Then I got sick. Like bedridden sick. Fever, aches, throat, stomach bug. All of it. And I was sick for weeks. I had taken on the huge commitment of costuming the Fall Musical – but I had to lay low not wanting to pass this along to the cast. It was frustrating and scary (thank God for all the co-costumers who stepped up and covered for me).

It was during this sickness that I watched a particular Tiktok video. ASIDE -You should know, I love LOVE the videos where they fix up houses. You can watch the whole demo in like 90 seconds, and it usually some cool old house. If you subscribe you can follow along as they renovate the entire home – Anyway, when this video started there was a cool old house. Yay! I thought – a fixer upper!

Instead the video started with…. “In a hundred years, we will all be buried with our families and friends.” 

It went on to describe how our cars will be scrapped, our possessions given away or trashed and someone else will live in our homes. It continued on… “Our decedents will hardly know who we are, nor will they remember us.” In the end, the message was, “be free to live your life,” and the final thought was, “if it is not going to matter in five years, don’t spend five minutes worrying about it.”

My daughters assured me it was a positive message after I MADE them watch it. My friends nodded knowingly when I despaired to them and they assured me I was still depressed from being sick and the loss of my dad and that eventually I would feel better.

And I did. I started to feel better. I planned trips. I took jobs at the library which FORCED me to get showered and dressed. I wrapped Christmas presents. I listened to Bing Crosby. Attended cookie exchanges and coffees out with friends. I drank hot cocoa and somewhere in there I decided to go alcohol free. I had a lovely old-fashioned Christmas with my in-laws, complete with a reading of the Night Before Christmas. I saw all my kids and most of my grandkids. I was really starting to feel better.

I really was feeling much better – I had started this blog a few weeks ago. I set it aside to travel, celebrate holidays, and avoid the chaos of a house under construction. In that two week span I received the shocking news that two – TWO- teachers I know and have worked with, died in the past week. Both were vital and healthy, the one who was almost exactly my age I recently chatted with at the grocery store, the other was younger than me. I just cannot reconcile this.

I spiraled just a little, sitting here in this empty house thinking about the preciousness of life (we removed furniture, pictures, rugs etc out for a minor construction project). And. Now. 2024 is looming just three days away! I know I have to funnel all this information, feeling, emotion into a meaningful resolution for the next year. 

I don’t want to overcommit (thereby setting myself up for failure), but I am thinking I want to include:

Blogging more

Creating more

Exploring more

Being more people centered

How you turn that into a resolution, I am not sure. But I have three days to think about it. I will let you know what it looks like when I have finalized it. My simple goal for this weekend? Call every single person I love!