About the time I turned 60 my eyebrows turned gray and disappeared. And weirdly, at the same time they got extra shaggy and random hairs would show up on my eyelids or temple. It was time…. I went out and bought an eyebrow pencil. As I navigated how to use it. I looked at pictures that scientifically calculated where a brow begins, I read beauty articles, I watched Youtube videos, but still, I know I looked pretty comical – one thick, one thin, crooked, arched, not arched…. I bemoaned the loss with my hairdresser, and she asked me if I wanted her to shape my eyebrows so it would be easier to know where to put the liner.

Yay! Sure!

First she put on some lotion, then she applied the warm wax. So far the whole experience was relaxing. As she worked we chatted, she told me that she would sometimes wax nostrils (!!), “One time” she said, “I pulled the wax stick out of this guys nose and it looked like a mouse!”

After a minute or so she pulled the wax strip from my eyebrow and I almost cried. It hurt so damn bad!! Then she dabbed at little random hairs (they were all over the place!!). By this point I was teary and my entire brow was bright red. I mean we WERE laughing simultaneously, because we laugh about everything, then she did something that I will never forget… She quoted the scene from 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carrell gets his chest waxed. “We’re going to need more wax!!” and “AHHHHH Kelly Clarkson!” along with a few other naughty words, I now had tears of laughter streaming and mixing with tears of pain.

In the end, she put on a soothing lotion, my eyebrows calmed down after a few hours and it became part of my hair salon regime. It still hurt every time and I still tried to get her to do the Steve Carell impression, but I got used to it.

Flash forward a few years and I am at a three day Indian wedding in Cabo. A wedding where every day at 3:00 a large, bustling team of beauticians/hair dressers arrive wheeling suitcases full of products to get us ready for the evening festivities. We were encouraged to sign up, so Sarah Jane and I went to the spa to get our eyebrows and eyelashes done. Neither of us knew what “getting our eyelashes done” meant… extensions?

Turns out it means getting fake eyelashes put on. We showed up and were assigned technicians. A young woman was assigned to Sarah. Clearly experienced. Sweet and a little quiet. My technician? Tony, a beautiful androgynous looking young boy who was edgy and clearly a lot of fun. Before he started he asked, “Would you like me to do your eyeliner? And your makeup?”

“Sure!!” My attitude for this wedding was, “I am all in!” I did the henna, I did the bindi, I wore a kurta…. I was 100% in.

With my approval, Tony reached in his bag and pulled out the clown makeup and began to lay on the eyeliner. My back was to the mirror, but the first red flag I got was the response from Sarah’s technician. She halted a moment, tweezers paused, looking like she wanted to say something, but she didn’t. She sort of turned her back on us and her focus towards Sarah. Tony leaned in and started applying my eye make-up.

The fact that I could feel the makeup going on was my next red flag. It was T H I C K. I know because my eyelids start to close from the weight. And the lashes were not even on yet!! With the make-up applied, Tony reached into his big bag of magic make-up and selected the longest – spider leg -lashes he had and glued them to my lid. Immediately my eyes began to feel grainy and tired. At that point I was starting to feel a little regret, but I was determined to be a good sport.

All finished, we posed for selfies, tipped the technicians and left for our luncheon. As we navigated our day. Our luncheon. Our time by the pool. Our pre-Sangeet cocktails and dance rehearsal (YES. We are part of a Bollywood-type family dance), I could see people do double takes. My lids felt heavier and heavier, in fact, my eyes are now partially closed, I was hoping I looked sultry, but am pretty sure I just came across as sleepy.

The Sangeet was so fun, and my nervousness about dancing in front of a couple hundred people made me forget my lashes… that and the signature cocktail – something cleverly named that I cannot now remember. At one point in the night, I was standing by the door and I saw Tony peeking in, he gave me such a big friendly wave and mouthed something like, “Looking Good!” Or maybe he actually said, “You should go to bed,” I don’t know, but he was darling either way.

It wasn’t long after that that the corner of one of the lashes came unglued. It kept popping up, and I kept pressing it down. Finally, finally we left Svend and Sarah to party on and we decided to call it a night. (On a side note, I was suitably impressed with Svend and Sarah’s endurance for every event. There were multiple parties every night, you would leave one, go change for the next – that often started at something like 11:00 or 11:30pm – all of the events were high energy with lots of dancing and partying. Anywayyyy…. Svend and Sarah did it all with 100 percent gusto. They hardly left the dance floor. They ate the midnight meals, they drank the signature drinks, they kept up with all the young kids!) .

So… eyelashes askew, back in our hotel room, the door had barely closed when I pull the things off. I am certain some of my natural lashes came off, but I did not care. I got out a washcloth to take off the make up and that is when I discovered that it was some sort of permanent, wait-for-it-to-wear-off eyeliner. 14 showers later and I was still flaking big chunks away. The eyeliner lasted longer than the henna!!

Sarah, my sister in law had a totally different experience. She opted out of the make-up and gave input to the lashes, and while they were definitely long and sexy, they were not comical. They stayed firmly in place the whole weekend, showers, pool and all. She showed up for breakfast looking absolutely adorable.

Thanks to my hairdresser, I know what it means to get your eyebrows waxed and now, thanks to Tony, I know exactly what it means to “get your eyelashes done.” And while I will likely be getting the brows done again, I am drawing the line at eyelashes. In fact, I wandered into a Sephora store over the holidays and a sales clerk helped me pick out a practical mascara called “chubby” that seems to be doing the job so far!

Just for fun… (Be warned…. while this is funny, it is also FILTHY) Click HERE to watch the clip of Steve Carell.