Scott and I have a Gratitude Jar. It is a fancy glass canister with a lid that his parents brought us from their travels to Czechoslovakia. It is lovely, it has heft. Light dances from the etched glass. I am sure it is for candy, or treats, but ours is for gratitude. We write blessings and gratitudes on slips of paper, date them and slip them into the jar. Every year, on January 1st, we take a quiet moment and take turns reading the gratitudes aloud, smiling, laughing, remembering. When we are done, we slip them into an envelope, date it and put it into a memorabilia box. We have done this for years.

Some years you can hardly get the lid on the jar it is so filled with gratitude notes, and some years we have to remind ourselves to find gratitude in little things – a sunny day. Working in the garden. A creative pursuit. Some years we find funny little memories or gratitudes written by one of our daughters, home from college on a summer break or visiting with family during the holidays surreptitiously slipped in the jar. Some years there are hard things to write about – the passing of a pet – grateful and thankful for the joy she brought us.

This year got away from me. Both in recording my gratitudes and writing in this blog. Today I sat and wrote handfuls of gratitudes for the jar and am feeling somewhat caught up (although, in practice it is ALWAYS better to write it as it is happening – but in this case, later is better than never.)

In an effort to get caught up blog wise, I am going to record and expand on a few of those gratitudes here.. and because my life has been a roller coaster of emotions since April, I will focus on those slivers of Gratitude I felt during some of the low dips of that ride. The things that buoyed me and got me through a difficult period.

April 7: Grateful to share a short visit with my father, Pooh, who was in the hospital with a severe case of pneumonia. While it was hard to see him so sick. So small. So fragile, I was blessed, grateful, pleased to see that he had that spark in his eye as he teased, “So, let’s talk about me, since I am the one in the hospital, and maybe, if there is time, we can talk briefly about the kids.” (He loved nothing better than talking about the kids). I was grateful his mind was as sharp as ever, asking follow up questions when I failed to give him all the details. We kissed good-bye, I told him I loved him and we lingered when we held hands (no hugging – covid fears).

April 11 – 16: Grateful for the news that my dad had recovered enough to leave the hospital, we left confidently for our trip to a cousin’s wedding in Cabo. There is enough gratitude for an entire blog post, and that will be coming. But to summarize here, we were grateful for… The invitation. The time spent with Svend and Sarah. Making new friends. Dancing. Eating. Celebrating. Pool time. Being “invited in” to a new cultural experience – a Three Day Indian wedding. The traditions. The colors. The music. The food. The beauty.

April 23 – 30: Bittersweet gratitude. During this time my dad, Pooh, beloved grandfather, father, husband, great grandfather, scholar, mentor, outdoorsman, adventurer, athlete fought a losing battle with pneumonia, cancer, and a failing heart. I will be forever be grateful for those two days I spent with him before his health declined so rapidly. On April 23rd I arrived because Pooh was once again in the hospital fighting the same health issues, and was going to need another procedure.

April 23: I am grateful for the Sunday that Sarah and I spent with him watching the Mariners game, discussing up-and-coming players, one he told Sarah to make sure Weston watched, he called him a “Super Hero” someone for Weston to emulate. Although Pooh was clearly uncomfortable and interruptions were frequent, he was bright and happy to see us.

April 24: It feels a little silly to be grateful for Willie Nelson, especially a Willie Nelson magazine, but I am. I got to the hospital early. I picked up and started thumbing through the Willie magazine that Laura and Gracie had brought. We spent the next couple hours – me reading the magazine and sharing interesting tid-bits. No, Pooh did not know that Willie had a golf course. Yes, he knew he had been married 4 time. Yes, he knew that Willie was referred to as an “outlaw.” I held up the glossy magazine and showed him the pictures of his favorite singer. He sang a few bars from “Luckenbach Texas.” We took breaks. He snoozed. I walked the halls.

And while this is a post about gratitudes, blessings, appreciations and thankfulness, if it is an honest post I have to admit that it was hard to find gratitude when my father exhibited…

Fear: He said, “I always thought that if I was in the hospital I would use the time to read, but I cannot, all I can do is watch the vital signs monitor.”

Anxiety: The time for the procedure came and went, my father became increasingly anxious with each 10 minute increment. I was sent to ask nurses. Find doctors. Finally Linda asked if they could give him anxiety medications which they did and they helped.

Pain: Because of his condition he was not allowed to swallow ANYTHING. Not even water. The way he begged for days for water makes me tear up to this day. He said he fantasized about apple juice. “Cold. In one of those little plastic cups”. He told the nurse he wouldn’t sign the permission form for his procedure unless they gave him water. Finally a nurse brought in a cup of ice chips that he could swish and spit out ~ he called her “An Angel.” So. Yeah. Hard to find blessings about any of that. But eventually he had his procedure. He napped, but woke to say goodbye. I did not realize that would be the last time I talked to him. That night he was put on life support.

April 28: The decision was made to remove life support. Even though this will be one of the worst days of my life, I tried to find blessings and gratitude. I got to say goodbye. Not everyone gets to do that. My dad was surrounded by loving family as he passed. I am deeply grateful for the support and love of my family – Scott and the girls, my brothers, of my nieces and nephews, all of whom wrapped their arms around me and wept with me.

May 20th: Grace’s wedding which was so full of blessings and gratitudes it seems unfair to bury it here… in this post. But it did happen. And I will give it its own space. It’s own blog just full of joyful pictures and memories.

June 6: What a wave of gratitude I had in the weeks leading to, the planning of, and attending my dad’s memorial service. My brother and I spent HOURS working on photos, planning the perfect slide show to be shown during the memorial. Of course, as we sorted and curated photos we reminisced. We laughed. We cried. (And if I can go off topic a little bit, I could also say I was grateful for this task. It was a purposeful use of time that would otherwise be spent grieving.) My beloved nephews came for the service – not easy for either of them, but they loved Pooh very much. It had been eight years since seeing them and the two days we spent together were a gift my dad would have loved.

Yesterday I got caught up on my gratitudes. They are neatly written, waiting to be read on New Years Day. The jar is more than half full – it is going to be one of those years that it is hard to close the lid. Because when you are searching for gratitude, blessings, moments of thankfulness, even in the toughest of times, it is there.

Here is the slideshow my brother and I worked on.